More School? Am I Freaking Nuts?

Before I obtained my nursing license I had been attending college since high school. They had a concurrent program that allowed high school students to take college courses their senior year. THAT was in 1995. I received my AAS in nursing and passed my NCLEX exam so I could get my license in 2007. Twelve years! I had been going to college for twelve years, both full and part time. I should’ve had a doctorate by then. But no, I’m a loser and only ended up with an Associates of Applied Science, not even an Associate of Science. I went to school for radiology and hated it. Never did a thing with it. Well I did try for about two weeks, and I absolutely hated it; so stayed in dialysis. Attempted computer programming, game design, pharmacology, engineering, marine biologist, criminal justice, business, you name it, I at one point or another, attempted to aim towards that degree, quickly lost interests and switched.

So now what am I thinking about doing? Going back to school for my bachelors in nursing (high-pitched cackling pierces my brain)

Sweaty palms, and heart palpitations ensue-I’m going to have a heart attack.

I love learning and school itself isn’t a big ordeal. So what is it that I’m freaking out about?

Homework

I’ve gotten quite comfortable being able to come home and do whatever the hell I want, which isn’t a whopping lot actually, most nights consists of playing solitaire or some other game. Or staring at Facebook hoping something profound shows up. It doesn’t. I’ll read which I totally love and which will have to go on hiatus with school. That alone sends beads of sweat rippling down my back. The thought of not being able to read a book at a moments notice is a completely unbearable.

  

Tests

I really hate taking tests. It seems like anytime I sit down to take one, my brain turns into a diesel fueled trash compactor, discarding its contents into the Salt Lake City dump. I completely space everything I’ve learned for the last semester. It’s like the gravity of an enormous wormhole punches a hole in my head and sucks my brain out.

Starting over

Because its been so long since I took the perquisites for nursing, I basically have do them all over in order to do the program at the University of Utah. This also involves retaking placement exams, in which I have to place well enough in math and English to not have to take those general classes again. Talk about a stressor. I sucked at algebra the first go around. Now I’m even dumber. 

Have even more student loans

My other option is doing one of those private college on-line programs, which of course cost a fortune and then you cruise through them like you’re on crack and then get the shaft if god forbid you have a life crisis. Most of them just want your money and suck in the education department.

I want to do everything

There’s so much I want to and would rather do than sit in a class all day, or do homework when I get home. I want to write, I want to travel and play and enjoy my weekends or vacations. Play my video games, exercise, walk my dog, etc. Not really happening when you have dead lines and homework to do.

But mostly…Failing

I feel as I get older and attempt school, I get dumber. It isn’t as easy as it was when I was nineteen. I could go and go and go and absorb like a sponge. Now I can barely remember someone’s name two minutes after they’ve told me. I just don’t think I’m good at it anymore. And because I’ve taken so many courses and haven’t really accomplished anything, I’m afraid I’ll just keep taking courses and never succeed.

Failing! My inner soul-sucking critic keeps telling me that I’ve come as far as I can and any further attempt will end in my utter failure and I will wallow in despair.  

I’m so tired. Do I have the energy now? Can I handle the pressure of working full time and attempting school again? I’m literally getting anxiety just thinking about it. Is there a point in life where you just stop and settle with what little you’ve accomplished?

I sure feel like taking that road.

Maybe I’m still a bad-ass!

What else am I going to do with my time? I want to write, but like even my husband points out; I could be a writing master like Shakespeare and still never get published. The days drift by and I’m not accomplishing anything right now; might as work on something that has a better chance of paying off at some point, and write on the side. If I do the snail-paced route, I can still take those vacations and play when I want. I can still read at my leisure. And not incur a shit-load of student loan debt to boot.

And what if I’m still as kick-ass as I was at nineteen and breeze through again; this time with a definite goal. I’m intelligent. I’m a freaking nurse manager of a dialysis clinic. I’m in charge of staff, patients, and a whole facility, responsible for all of the above. I have an awesome husband, amazing friends and the most supportive family. I will succeed and rejoice in proving to my inner soul-sucking critic that she can fuck right the hell off!

Bring it on “more school” I’m not scared of you, or your little doggy either.